I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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