I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she smelled like a LAN party
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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