The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
