we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
