You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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