Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
