absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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