I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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