How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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