Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
