They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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