1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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