I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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