hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
