Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
