somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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