Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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