Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
