if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize