Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
