Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
