Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
