I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
