I faked an abortion last night.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
