I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Come share oat with me in your robe
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
