Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize