i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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