My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
