I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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