My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
