foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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