im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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