Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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