That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize