first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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