Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
