I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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