So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize