Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
