I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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