I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
