i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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