He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
