Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
