Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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