Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
