I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
