It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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