so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
