I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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