either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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