It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
