it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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