I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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