well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
