I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
