When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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