I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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