I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
