just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
