capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
