does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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