Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
