This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
